Mastering the cycle of conflict | stop 9 on the divorce map

Navigating through divorce often illuminates the critical need for effective conflict management—a theme central to stop 9 of the Divorce Map. Understanding that our basic human desire is to connect, underscores the complexity of managing conflict during such transformative times. Divorce challenges our fundamental need for connection, propelling us into a cycle of conflict that feels all too familiar yet peculiarly unique.

The cycle of conflict

You know that fight that you have with your partner repeatedly that never gets resolved? While the issues may vary, what you are seeing here is the conflict pattern of the relationship. The patterns of conflict we experience often reflect unresolved issues within the relationship and are a poignant reminder that sometimes the work left undone in a marriage comes to the forefront during separation.

Research shows that conflict is cyclical, predictable, occurs in the same places and spaces and is uniquely our own pattern. Recognising this can be the first step toward constructive conflict management.

Our family of origin has an enormous influence on how we handle conflict. If you were raised in a high-conflict environment, you may find you have fewer skills in managing conflict effectively, until you actively choose to learn them.

This insight serves as a bridge to acknowledging that even a low-conflict marriage can experience an uptick in conflict during separation, highlighting the importance of understanding our own background and your historical behaviour in conflict resolution.

Approaching conflict constructively

Adopting the qualities of empathy, curiosity, and respect can dramatically shift the dynamics of conflict. Being genuinely curious about an ex-partner’s actions or decisions, even when they hurt, can lead to understanding and resolution. This approach, coupled with the principle of 'open heart, open mind, and open will,' facilitates navigating through diverging needs and values with compassion and respect.

Practical conflict management

How we show up in conflict is important. Staying calm, being respectful, and maintaining positive intentions help. Knowing yourself, understanding your needs, and being clear on what you're willing to negotiate about is vital. Communication is key - using the right channel for the message can make a significant difference in how it's received and understood.

The role of conflict coaching

As a divorce unfolds, conflict is inevitable. However, learning to manage it skilfully can lead to better outcomes for everyone involved. As an accredited Conflict Coach, I've seen firsthand the relief and transformation that comes from navigating conflict with competence. It's about fighting for what truly matters, rather than getting caught up in the fight itself.

Need guidance?

If you're currently navigating divorce conflict and seeking strategies to manage it effectively, I'm here to help. Join me for a complimentary 15-minute conversation where we can explore ways to transform conflict into a pathway for growth.

Managing conflict is more than just a skill; it's a critical component of navigating through divorce with your sense of self and your relationships intact. Learning to approach conflict with an open heart and a strategic mind can pave the way for a future where both peace and personal growth are possible.