Positive Parenting | stop 7 on the divorce map

Navigating divorce as a parent

This next post is for those of you who are parents experiencing a family breakdown. Divorce can be really difficult and confusing for adults. It is much more so for children experiencing their parents' separation. Finding the right way to relate to and communicate with them about this experience is essential.

There is a delicate balance between insulating children from the more difficult elements of family breakdown and being authentic and transparent in your communications. Over time, you will get better at this, but here are a few guidelines that may help you along the way:

Key guidelines for communicating with your children

• Reassurance is the ultimate goal. That whilst things are changing for them, you are a consistent and capable adult in their world (yes, and that applies even when you don’t feel like one!) and that they are loved.

• Consider the age of your child and adjust your communication style accordingly. Offer calm, simple explanations for things as often as you possibly can to very young children. An older child may require more information and they may have more questions, so you will need to allow extra time for these conversations.

• If you don’t understand their questions or their needs, or feel you don’t have the best answer, be clear with them. Let them know you will work on finding out more and that you will get back to them.

Empathy and understanding your child's experience

Empathy is a key ingredient of parenting at this time. Each child will have a different experience of family breakdown. Their needs, their fears and worries, and their ways of reacting and expressing themselves are unique. As a parent, you need to identify their unique response, their weak points, their vulnerabilities, and cater to them as best you possibly can. Empathy is a powerful lever. It encourages connection, allows us to express curiosity, and to listen deeply to our children without having to fix things. This is important because, in this life phase, it is not always possible to fix things, both the micro and the macro. Empathy gives them room to be themselves, and for you to show that you care.

Allowing space for strong emotions

Let them be angry. They are not the ones who have chosen divorce (and you may not have either), so it is important that they are able to express strong feelings of anger, grief, frustration, and confusion to you. They need to know that you can absorb it and accept it.

At times, this means giving a lot of latitude around behaviours. A young child might throw a tantrum, an older child may speak to you disrespectfully because they feel at the mercy of the adults’ decisions, an older adolescent may withhold from telling you anything at all as an exercise in their own sense of autonomy and an attempt to control what is uncontrollable. All of these behaviours are normal under the initial circumstances of family separation, and they will come and go along the journey.

Managing changes and emotional escalations

When a parent moves out, when the children start to move between two houses, when they have to deal with a new partner of either yours or your ex’s, these are all times where you should anticipate and accept an escalation in strong emotions and dysregulated behaviours in your children. Of course, you may be having some elevated emotional reactions yourself at the same time. This is where conflict can arise pretty quickly, and it is a conflict of needs. It is best to just own it. Be honest with your children and let them know how you are travelling, and when you are struggling. Do not try to be overly strong – children will pick up on any incongruence between your words and behaviours. They know you and they care about you.

Letting your little ones know “mummy or daddy is a bit sad today” is a good thing. And with your older kids, let them know when you are at the end of your tether. They might surprise you and do something incredibly loving and supportive of you. Transparency without burdening them is a delicate balance to be sure.

Understanding developmental stages

Understanding your child’s developmental age and stages will support you in your parenting and especially in your communication approach. There are generalised stages and accomplishments that come with those stages. Typically, they are birth to 18 months, 18 months to 3 years, 3-6 years, 6-11 years, the adolescent years, and early adulthood, and so on through to mature age adulthood.

Reading more deeply about this ahead of their developmental curve will help you to prepare for their needs and understand them better when they are changing and growing. A lot of difficulty can be avoided by the action of being interested and prepared.

Annual developmental audits

One of the things I did for years as a single parent was an annual audit of normal developmental expectations for the age and stage of each of my children. We would then agree on a few areas of growth to focus on throughout the year. This made me a more attentive and mindful parent and made my children feel more secure that I understood the challenges they were facing.

Seeking understanding and empathy

When in doubt, ask plenty of questions until you feel you have a good understanding of where they might be at. This is especially true if you have unexpectedly tipped over into conflict with a child. At this time, you need to go back and seek more information – with empathy – until you feel able to stand in their shoes and feel what they might be feeling.

They will appreciate your efforts a great deal – they may not be able to acknowledge this in the moment, but with the passage of time they will. It is inevitable during the vast changes that divorce brings, that there will be regular ruptures in relationships with children, and what matters is the energy and skill you bring to the repair of those ruptures. If you can show up as a reliable, open, honest and loving parent, this truly mitigates many of the damaging effects of the process of family breakdown. The benefits of doing this well will last a lifetime for them, and for your relationship with them.

I hope these guidelines help you navigate this challenging time. Please like, comment, and share this post with anyone you think might benefit from reading it. If you are experiencing divorce and need support navigating new, strong emotions, please consider my coaching services. I offer complimentary 15-minute introductory phone consultations to assist you in deciding whether divorce coaching is right for you.

All the best

Clair