Traumatic growth | stop 6 on the divorce map
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” –Viktor Frankl
Divorce can be traumatic and, as a result, some people will experience something known as post-traumatic growth (PTG). PTG is different from resilience and is typified by a traumatic event that challenges one’s core beliefs and produces a difficult psychological struggle as a result. This begs the question: can we grow constructively through divorce?
Research shows that people are pretty much as happy five years after a divorce as they were prior to it. We each have a resting state of contentment or happiness that is continuous. PTG can vary this significantly. For those who are generally optimistic, you may see even greater optimism emerge from divorce. For those who are less optimistic, PTG could have the benefit of activating greater life satisfaction.
The five areas of post-traumatic growth
The post-traumatic growth inventory (PTGI) identifies five ways in which we grow because of trauma. These are:
Appreciation of life
Relationships with others
New possibilities in life
Personal strength
Spiritual change
Transforming a negative experience
At the outset, a separation or divorce may feel like an entirely negative experience—an experience we might wish to have avoided, want to get over quickly, or simply do not understand. Our negativity bias stops us from seeing and appreciating the opportunities for growth and the transformational process that can take place as a result.
As a divorce coach, I am interested in harnessing the power of change as it occurs to the individual and creating a positive learning experience. So often—especially for those undergoing a protracted and adversarial divorce process through the courts—there is a sense of having been bruised not only emotionally by the separation and family breakdown, but also by the court system itself. Sadly, many people emerge from this exhausted and in need of time to recover. This could take years.
Embracing a growth mindset
To accelerate our growth and development means we must choose a mindset that embraces the experiences that are on offer, no matter how painful they may be. Moving from what is known, familiar, and reliable is hard. Very few of us truly love change. Research tells us that change is stressful to pretty much the same degree even when it is positive. It is change itself that is the stressor, not the positive or negative elements themselves.
Let’s extrapolate on that. Getting married is a huge change; planning a wedding is quite stressful for many people. The data also shows that the first year of marriage is the hardest year. And yet, we would say that getting married is framed up as a positive life experience (assuming you have full choice over the decision to do so).
Harnessing the truths about divorce
Knowing that divorce is stressful and that while it is unique to you in certain elements and details, there are truths about it too that can be harnessed as fuel for growth. The benefits of divorce include and are not limited to: building independence, becoming more confident, having to become a better parent (especially if you are the only one), being resourceful, responsible, and resilient in greater amounts, needing to excel at work to earn more (a common by-product of divorce), and professional development. Learning to navigate social situations as a single person can be a wonderful experience, as being open to new people and ways of doing things is a great benefit of change.
Mapping and journalling growth
Mapping, journalling, appreciating, and reflecting upon these new skills, approaches, attitudes, and experiences as they are happening is a powerful thing to do. It takes some of the sting out of the pain, and it helps us to appreciate our strengths as they emerge. We do not have to wait for growth if we are tracking and monitoring it along our path and concurrently with our learning experiences. If we can do this, we build agility and adaptability, and this can really cut through self-doubt, self-criticism, even elevated stress levels can be reduced as a result.
Tracking growth and capabilities
A sliding scale or audit of our capabilities is a good place to start. Let’s take an example. If you were not the one to manage the family finances, you might be on a big learning curve. You might (at the separation) rate your financial management skill level as 1 out of 5. In that first year, you might learn to create and maintain budgets; in the second year, you might look to achieve cost savings for a significant purchase or investment, and at this point, you might rate your skill as 3 or 4.
An alternate example might be managing strong emotions. If you are a parent and you have relied upon your spouse to be the more rational or calm one with the children, then you may rate yourself quite low in those first few months of separation when people’s emotional reactions are usually elevated. However, spending time with your children, where you have full responsibility and you are the only parent there who can help them, you will need to accelerate your ability to manage your own emotions to better assist your kids and to lead a more content and functional household.
Developing critical capabilities
When you are the only parent, being calm is a critical capability to develop as quickly as possible so that your children feel more secure and as a result, they are usually more emotionally balanced and better behaved. No doubt this is hard work, but with focused attention you can make great gains here quite quickly. At some stage, you will notice that something that used to trigger you is not as challenging, or that a conversation or interaction that you had with one of your children went smoothly and was comfortable and calm. Congratulations—you have up-skilled in the ‘managing your emotions’ department!
Choosing growth consciously
Growth is an inevitable part of change, and we can choose growth consciously. When we choose it, we can always improve the difficulty of the circumstances. If we consciously choose growth, or seek the opportunity in the challenge, then we can emerge from the process of divorce and family breakdown a stronger and more capable person. This will help to reduce trauma, increase recovery time frames, and help to herald in the happiness that will come from a new life phase.
Documenting post-traumatic growth
As a coach, I encourage my clients to consider and document their PTG through our sessions. Self-identifying and acknowledging learning builds confidence and resilience and helps us to be open to new experiences throughout our life.
If this advice resonates with you, and you would like to talk about traumatic growth support, please get in touch today and book a coaching session.
All the best
Clair