The decision: shock or relief? | stop 1 on the divorce map

Understanding the dynamics of divorce

The average duration of a marriage in Australia in 2023 is only nine years. Fifty percent of first marriages end in divorce, and a whopping 66% of second marriages follow the same path. In 2022 alone, there were more than 180,000 divorce applications to the Family and Federal Circuit Court.

While the decision to end a marriage or significant relationship always feels traumatic and deeply personal, the statistics show you are not alone. You are part of a very common and significant life experience.

Emotional responses to divorce

Your reaction to this life experience and the reaction of those around you will vary depending on whether the divorce comes as a shock, a sad reality, or a relief. Each of these responses is completely normal. If the decision to separate is a mutual one, you might both experience this event with sadness, perhaps compassion for one another, but it is also common to have some resentment or feelings of failure.

Individuals initiating a separation can experience a range of intricate emotions, including a sense of inner conflict, especially when children are involved. Feelings of grief and even guilt may also surface during this process. Often, a spouse who has made the decision to separate will face ostracisation and stigmatisation from family and friends, running the very real risk of experiencing profound isolation and solitude. Conversely, there may be a sense of relief intertwined with these difficult emotions.

Shock and its impact

For a partner who has not seen a request for divorce coming, the initial reaction is most likely one of deep shock, distress, distrust, and an inability to grasp the new reality they find themselves in. These feelings of shock can be very strong and immobilising. If not managed well, they can have significant impacts on a person's mental and physical health, and on their ability to care for themselves and their children effectively.

Often, a serious shock is accompanied by an acute sense of personal risk, financial uncertainty, and fear of being alone. Psychological shock can manifest as fight, flight, fawn, or freeze responses.

Navigating emotional shock

You may feel confused or hysterical, or numb and out of body. There is no one way to experience shock, so knowing common symptoms can help you navigate this phase of change. While it can be challenging to find a balance in your desire to maintain your privacy, my experience working with those undergoing divorce has shown me that the more support pathways you can activate at this time, the better your opportunity will be to move through the shock phase more quickly.

Humans are not designed to “go it alone,” and while you are separating from your significant other, you should still be connected to many other meaningful people in your world. Caring for yourself at this time involves allowing for those feelings of anger and distress and releasing them. Change is stressful, and change that you are not choosing is particularly difficult to navigate.

Skillful self-care around sleep, exercise, eating well, avoiding substance abuse, and staying connected to others will work in your favour. Sticking to a strong routine is also beneficial. Whilst you experience feelings of discomfort, embarrassment, failure, or shock, it is important to reach out for help from as many avenues as possible, as quickly as possible.

This should include a visit to your GP, confiding in trusted family and friends, your church or spiritual network, or someone in your workplace or local community. Being shocked, upset, angry, betrayed, grief-stricken, or raw is completely normal. But what you say and do at this time will set the tone for the divorce process, so it is wise to be values-driven as you decide your course.

Our values guard against making poor choices that we may come to regret in the future. If you are feeling too overwhelmed to connect with your values, it is crucial you work with a trusted friend or advisor to reconnect you to a practical values framework.

Emotional shock states should be temporary. As with any other life shock that threatens our wellbeing or survival, we expect the immediate effects of shock to start to abate after a few weeks. The shock may be replaced with the beginnings of anger, or perhaps strong feelings of sadness or loss. Whilst uncomfortable, these feelings are a normal sign of early stages of recovery.

If you are feeling isolated, or you do not want to share or burden friends, seek out a psychologist, coach, or join a community of practice to ensure you are well supported as you move through this early part of the journey. Accept and understand that this is part of the process, one step of many that you will experience as you discover and create your new life as a single person, or as a new couple, with a family, or without one.

If you are experiencing divorce and need support navigating strong emotions while you are creating a new life and routines, please consider my coaching services. I offer complimentary 15-minute introductory phone consultations to assist you in deciding whether divorce coaching is right for you. Book via my contact page.

In my next post, I will discuss Self Care & Resilience Planning—another important step in navigating the experience of relationship separation and divorce. I invite you to return next week to learn more.

Please like, comment, and share this page with anyone you think might benefit from reading about the stages of a major relationship transition.

All the best

Clair