Self-care during divorce | stop 2 on the divorce map
The importance of self-care
It is important to put yourself and your wellbeing front and centre when you are going through a divorce. Self-care is "the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness, particularly during periods of stress," according to the Oxford Dictionary. Deep and strong emotions are frequently and powerfully present throughout the process. Good habits will insulate you against the multiple stresses encountered at this time. You need to make a roadmap to plan, manage, and drive through this transformational phase!
Navigating emotions
Feelings of grief, guilt, fear, and loss are all very demanding on our ability to emotionally regulate and challenge our sense of safety and our holistic health. Seeking internal stability by establishing healthy self-supporting behaviours is vital to human wellbeing.
Five lenses of self-care
I like to think about self-care through these five lenses: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and social. Consider what good healthy behaviours you have as part of your routine right now, write them down, and make them the single most important entries in your daily and weekly diary.
Scheduling time for yourself
Scheduling time for yourself is vital at this stage of the divorce process, as is keeping that appointment to support yourself. Treat these scheduled activities as a meeting you would not miss at work – non-negotiable.
Defining your wellbeing routine
If you have never taken the time to consider what makes you feel most calm, in control, refreshed, and at peace, here are a few tips to help you define a wellbeing routine that best suits you at this time. Consider and identify three things that soothe you; this might be walking in nature, team sports, music, or deep breathing and breath work. Now, consider and identify three things that lift your energy; this might be exercise, cooking, dancing, something creative, or playing with a furry friend.
Managing unhelpful behaviours
Now, identify three unhelpful behaviours that you resort to under pressure and put clear limits around them. For example, too much screen time, gossip, substance abuse, overeating, undereating, or avoiding relationships and responsibilities that really need to be attended to.
Adjusting to your new 'normal'
Next, depending on your circumstances, you may need to consider how to adjust your current "normal". For example, if yoga is what you identified as vital for self-care, you may need to do it online instead of in-person, so that you can be home with your kids. If you play basketball, you may need to take the kids with you or get a trusted carer in to allow you to get out. If you are caring for kids full-time, you may need to invite your friends over to your house for socialising in lieu of going out.
What is resilience?
Resilience is "the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness," according to the Oxford Dictionary. Some of us are more naturally resilient than others or have been schooled and parented in a way that has developed the ability to recover from setbacks in a measured and practical way. The good news is that resilience can be learned at any age, and divorce is a great opportunity to build greater resilience and confidence.
Building resilience through self-care
The fundamentals of resilience and the science behind it are well documented in the work of Martin Seligman, and more recently in Hugh Van Cuylenberg’s The Resilience Project. I am a big fan of the processes identified in Hugh Van Cuylenberg’s The Resilience Project and use them to cultivate my own self-care routines by following these steps:
Appreciation: Appreciate three good things about your day. The research tells us that this approach is beneficial to maintaining good mental health. This simple exercise leads to improved optimism which is something we can consciously cultivate during difficult times and which has been proven to reduce emotional distress.
Empathy: Focusing on empathy and having compassion for others has also been shown to have a positive effect on a person's mindset. Putting yourself in other people’s shoes and focusing on making someone else’s life better improves our well-being and takes us away from self-absorption, rumination, and worry. Random acts of kindness are also part of the empathy piece. Benefits include optimism, improved life satisfaction, reduced anxiety, an improved sense of connection, and peer acceptance.
Practicing mindfulness: Present moment awareness is a powerful lever for your own wellbeing. This is an antidote to preoccupation with the past (rumination) and anxiety about the future (worry). The strength of mindfulness practice is its insulating effect against depression (a very real risk of the divorce process), lowered cortisol (stress hormone) levels, and improved energy levels. Mindfulness is easy to do and can be practiced alone or with others (yes, even with the kids). Many workplaces and schools now have a quiet room that can be used. Regular small mindfulness practices will help you stay on track, clear your mind, give you energy, and feel more in charge of yourself. A very simple one to do is the cup of tea mindful practice, which is simply deciding to be 100% present in the act of making a wonderful cup of tea. From boiling the water and preparing the pot or by “dunking” the tea bag a certain number of times. This is very simply being present and mindful for a 2-5 minute moment of your day, and most people report that this is a very easy stress or circulate breaker that helps them recenter, self-regulate and perform better.
Creating a resilience plan: I strongly encourage my clients to complete a Resilience Plan during a demanding transition like divorce. You can find an example of a Resilience Plan via this website. A Resilience Plan works best when it becomes a routine practice rather than an urgent band-aid or emergency first aid when things are in a state of crisis. Embedding a Resilience Plan relies upon establishing good habits. And when good habits are truly adopted, they can be as hard to break as bad ones! A plan is a good visual reminder when you are feeling the pressure rising inside you or the pressures from the external world seem insurmountable. Every six months I review my Resilience Plan, print it, and pin it to the wall, to a place where I can look at it regularly. It keeps me focused, energized, productive, and it keeps my wellbeing at the core of my thinking in my busy life.
Next steps
In my next post, I will discuss the next stop on my ‘Divorce Map’ - Values. Please share this page with anyone you think might benefit from reviewing the (non-linear) stages of divorce and major relationship transition. And if you are experiencing divorce and need support, navigating new, strong emotions, please consider my coaching services. I offer complimentary 15-minute introductory phone consultations to assist you to decide whether divorce coaching is right for you. You can book through my contact page on this website.
With thanks and best wishes
Clair