Effective communication | stop 5 on the divorce map

Continuing on with my advice series centring on the skills required to best navigate divorce and major relationship transitions, today I’m encouraging you to develop new strategies for effective communication – or Stop 5 on my Divorce Map.

I can guarantee that the ways in which you have been communicating whilst in an intact relationship are unlikely to continue to work. When emotions run high, boundaries change, and needs diverge; very clear and intentional language will support better outcomes. Where needs were once aligned, they will now be different, and intentional clear communication should be your goal as it decreases the risk of misunderstanding and confusion.

Defining yourself through communication

Effective communication is also a way to define yourself more fully as an individual and as such will help you manage any internal confusion that may be arising because of the change process.

So, how can we do this effectively when the old ways are no longer relevant? Firstly, understand yourself and your own needs. A great way to do this is to follow the “I think, I feel, I want, and what I am willing to do is” model. Let me show you how this works, via a likely scenario.

Example scenarios

Imagine you now need to sell the property that you have cohabited in and owned with your partner. Imagine your partner wants to move ahead with a financial separation of assets, which includes the home you remain living in, and that this is happening too fast for you. How do you break it down into effective communication so that your needs are clearly communicated?

For example:

• I think…. the rush towards the sale of the house this soon is not ideal for me.

• I feel… pressured to make decisions at a time when I am still very distressed about our separation.

• What I want…. is some time to find my feet and come to terms with these changes, before I must worry about the sale of the property and my next move.

• What I am willing to do…. is agree a timeframe with you when we can sit down and work out a plan to achieve that outcome. How does that sound?

Or perhaps a scenario relating to communication about who takes the children to their weekend and after school activities:

• I think… that the way this is done needs to change because of our separation.

• I feel… it’s all on my shoulders now and that it is not fair or sustainable.

• I want… to share the load equally between us so that we are both involved, and the kids have a secure routine.

• What I am willing to do is… create a spreadsheet with all the details required for us to share the role and agree the ones that I can realistically take on. How does that sound?

The benefits of assertive communication

This communication style is clear, assertive, and sets boundaries. There is no emotive language to trigger the other party, and no blaming or shaming. Healthy communication in a separated context is driven by negotiating outcomes in a way that is transparent and respectful of yourself and the other. The other party may not be thrilled with what you want or are willing to do – maybe it is too much of a change or too much effort for them – but there is no way they can say that they don’t understand. This framework is great support for you when communications are challenging.

From 'we' to 'me'

Moving from we to me means different needs in the communication realm. You need to give what you are hoping to get. It’s a good rule of thumb. If you want respectful communication that supports collaboration and problem-solving, then that is the tone of your emails, texts, and phone calls. If you are hurt, angry, and hysterical, that will show up in your communications and you cannot undo that energy transfer once it has happened. You can apologise but you cannot take the words or the impact back.

Avoiding emotional triggers

Every aggressive, patronising, or anxious communication is likely to spark something in the other party. So, when upset, delay if possible and practice your communications, sometimes several times over until rationality prevails. Breathe. Give yourself some time, get support and then start from reasonableness, no matter how unreasonable the situation may be at that time.

The only time in which we can reasonably act with haste is if there is a threat to the wellbeing of yourself or your child. In conflict-oriented separations, there are very real risks to children. Poor parental communication is one of them. Does your child know where they are supposed to be going home after school? Will they get picked up from their after-school activities? Do they have a plan of action if things don’t go to the agreed plan?

Supporting children through communication

Teenagers can literally get lost in the poor communication zone that parents sometimes create. During divorce, your children have very little power anyway, so doing whatever you can to make things predictable, secure, and routine is a key responsibility in the parental role.

These principles apply equally to the breakdown of relationships that do not have children. Building the tools to communicate effectively are never wasted and will serve you well in future interpersonal relationships both personally and professionally.

Practicing effective communication

If you are struggling with the fundamentals of communication with your separating or ex-partner, I encourage you to practice the four-step process above. I am confident that you will see the benefits soon. So please try that and check back here for more practical advice and coping strategies soon.

All the best
Clair