Managing emotions - stop 4 on the divorce map

Regardless of how a separation or divorce is initiated, the capacity to manage emotions is a key life skill.

Divorce and marital separation rate 2nd and 3rd position on the ‘Life Change Index Scale’, second only to the death of a spouse. The ‘Life Change Index Scale’, developed by doctors Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe, ranks life events in descending order; the highest require the greatest adaptation and are most likely to trigger ill health.

So, given the magnitude of this life event - how can we do this well? What is it that we need to put into action to mitigate ongoing emotional damage or consequences?

Emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence refers to several pillars of a framework that includes self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness, and relationship management. Most of us are already skilled in two or more areas of this framework. Knowing and understanding your emotional strengths and your triggers is key to managing this difficult phase of life.

There is a direct relationship between recognition, regulation and competence when it comes to emotional intelligence. Being able to identify a feeling state or reaction to an event or situation falls into the recognition arena. Regulation refers to what we do with the emotional state, and often has a practical focus.

Self-regulation and values

At times we may need to take action to self-soothe, or to express ourselves in direct terms to manage our inner narrative and to voice and accept the experiences going on. Values, which I discussed in the previous post, can act as a guide at this time to help you decide what to express and how. These regulatory functions can be enormously beneficial in managing emotions in a way that best serves you, your friends, colleagues and family.

Managing stress during divorce

Let’s consider an example of this process. You can be 100% certain that there will be times when you are faced with stressful situations, people, and even shocks in the early stages of your divorce and separation.

Perhaps a partner doesn’t turn up to collect the children on time, or you find that a large sum of money has been withdrawn from a joint bank account, or you are unable to get in touch with your separating partner and you don’t know why. Each of these situations can result in immediate and strong feelings of distress, hurt, anxiety, or even anger.

Identifying tendencies

If you are inclined or primed towards a fearful response, or you have a natural bent towards catastrophising, then you will need to identify that tendency when it is operating (self-awareness). Once you have that awareness, you can move into self-regulation. This means you will actively choose (once you recognise your stress response) to employ a more rational approach which will result in better regulation.

For example, if you do have a tendency towards catastrophising/worst case scenario thinking, then I would encourage you to actively seek to create a balanced view by taking yourself down a different thinking path. Question yourself about your assumptions. Try to think of other reasons for things to be the way they are. So, if your partner is late to pick up the kids, rather than imagining the worst, consider that perhaps they are stuck in traffic, or got caught up in a meeting, or they got the date mixed up?

Managing emotions effectively

Shock, confusion, distress, and fear are completely congruent for this phase of life. Emotions such as grief, guilt, remorse, and sadness are also to be expected along the way. Knowing yourself, your tendencies, your strengths and weaknesses, puts you in better control of outcomes. We may not have chosen the changes that are upon us, and we may even want to resist or hold onto the old ways, but that will not help.

Creating alternative scenarios is more fair, more rational, and more helpful. It shifts us away from panic or anger or frustration into curiosity and possibility. This is an excellent way to encourage self-regulation and helps a person move into a decision-making space that is more rationally aligned with values and goal outcomes.

Building confidence through self-regulation

Every time we achieve this self-control and self-regulation, we experience a greater sense of confidence and security in ourselves, and this is foundational to our ability to move forward and to construct a positive future for ourselves.

So when, referring to our example, your ex turns up to collect the kids, you can be calm and civil, sticking to your values around a structured and positive handover of your children to their other parent. You will also be able to demonstrate empathy, acknowledge that being late is upsetting for them too, traffic is stressful etc. and build that bridge to ongoing good communication. The social competence of relationship management is one of the first skills to fall away in high conflict separations and divorces. Working on emotional intelligence supports us to find our way forward gracefully, even during stressful moments.

Navigating change

Learning to navigate change and to conduct ourselves skilfully – acting in emotionally intelligent ways – helps us to grow. Each difficulty is actually a growth opportunity should you choose to see it that way. Where a divorce or separation involves children, getting it right insulates them and shows them that while things are unknown and uncertain, you are still a parent to be relied upon and trusted. This is enormously important to their wellbeing and their future development. So, keep it in mind when times get tough. They are watching and they are learning, and if you demonstrate emotional range, adaptability, and resilience through effective management of your emotions, there is every chance they will too.

Please like, comment and share this page with anyone you think might benefit from reading it. And if you are experiencing divorce and need support navigating new, strong emotions, please consider my coaching services. I offer a complimentary 15-minute introductory phone consultations to assist you to decide whether divorce coaching is right for you.

With thanks
Clair