Values | stop 3 on the divorce map

There is strong research data that living a values-based life benefits us emotionally and psychologically. During times of stress, change, and transition, having clear values to guide our daily actions and life choices leads to better outcomes for individuals and families.

Understanding values

Values are deeply held beliefs that govern the way we live. They are most often established in childhood, and some may remain constant throughout your life. However, some values change over time, influenced by your growth, learning, life experiences, and circumstances.

When I’m coaching people through divorce, one of the key pieces of work we do early on is assess their values. This helps them make decisions and advocate for themselves from an anchored point of awareness.

The impact of values on divorce

The distress associated with divorce can be significantly affected by your values. For example, if honesty is a core value for you and you have been deceived by your spouse, you will likely react strongly to that. You may feel very hurt or angry and may even question the purpose of that value if it has failed to protect you or prevented you from seeing a particular truth. A typical example of this is when there may have been evidence or just an inkling that a partner was being unfaithful, and your absolute belief in honesty between you blinded you from challenging them about it.

Relying on values during life challenges

Even when we are challenged by life circumstances, we can rely on our values to provide a solid framework to guide our thinking, actions, and decisions. Values can bring stability to our interior landscape and a trusted predictability to the daily environment for you, your family, and your friends.

Reassessing your values

Your starting point for values reassessment is important. Who are you today? What do you hold firm to in your values? How can you allow them to guide your behaviour?

If kindness or respect are foundational values for you, you can apply those to the way you go about separating from your partner, and most certainly how you relate to your partner during the separation process. Your values can also guide you in terms of how you speak about your ex-partner to your children and to others in your circle.

Revisiting values

Some values may need to be revisited. For example, if you value dependability or tolerance, you may need to reflect on those values and see if they will work for you in the current setting. Questions such as who you might want to be dependable for will arise. Perhaps you now need to be dependable and available to your children, but not your ex-partner to the same degree.

Or if you value tolerance, what and from whom are you willing to tolerate? What is the impact of being very tolerant if your ex-partner is being unreasonable? You may need to reconsider whether this value will be useful support at this time.

Coping with changes in core values

If you have held the sanctity of marriage as a core value, then divorce may be especially painful for you. It could lead to self-criticism and strong feelings of failure. Deeply held beliefs about marriage, such as that it is for a lifetime, will need to be revisited. With 50% of marriages not lasting the distance, there are many societal, cultural, and economic factors to consider. We may need a more compassionate view of our efforts in our relationships, especially at the point of divorce.

Similarly, if fidelity or monogamy is an important value for you and your partner has strayed, it could provoke very strong feelings of betrayal. In this instance, and on reflection, you may or may not feel that fidelity remains a clear value for you. Awareness of that can help you work on forgiveness and compassion towards your ex-partner. It will also help free you from feelings of bitterness or resentment.

The importance of shared values

Studies show that a shared similarity in a couple's communication values leads to better attraction and satisfaction in long-term relationships. Knowing this will support you in your future relationships and perhaps improve your post-divorce relationship with your ex-partner. No matter how we look at it, values do matter. Values are a key to happiness in all relationships, especially in difficult times.

Identifying your core values

I have created a values overview (see below) to help you identify your core values. I invite you to select a maximum of 10 core values from this list and then rank them in order of importance. What are your top three?

Seeking support

If you are experiencing divorce and need support navigating new or strong emotions, please consider my coaching services. I offer complimentary 15-minute introductory phone consultations to assist you in deciding whether divorce coaching is right for you.

Please like, comment, and share this post with anyone you think might benefit from reviewing the major stages of divorce and relationship transition. Keep an eye out for my next post on managing difficult emotions, Stop 4 on the Divorce Map.

With thanks

Clair